Question: How do people cope with the fear of marriage when they see relationships around them failing? What are the signs that it's time to work on my marriage rather than being distracted by feelings for someone else, which often leads to another failing marriage?

When I speak with people who fear marriage—especially after watching relationships around them fail—I begin by acknowledging that their fear is understandable. What we see modeled shapes what we expect. If brokenness, instability, or repeated divorce has been the dominant picture, it is natural to question whether marriage is worth the risk. I grew up watching my parents go through profound hardship, yet they stayed together. That example is foundational to why I believe in marriage as I do. Ruth Bell Graham once remarked, half in jest, “Divorce, never; murder, maybe,” underscoring her conviction that marriage, like faith, is a lifelong covenant. That same conviction marked my parents’ marriage, and it is the conviction that shapes my own—one that I fully expect will end only when one of us goes home to be with the Lord. 

Friends, no marriage is perfect. My parents’ marriage certainly was not. Yet they loved one another, and God was the center, core, and foundation of their life together. That is why their marriage endured until my father’s death. It is also important to remember that marriage is not always a fifty-fifty arrangement. There were many seasons when my mother gave far more than her share to sustain both the marriage and our family. That reality does not diminish the biblical mandate placed on husbands; rather, it highlights it. Scripture calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her—a sacrificial love that holds a marriage together when circumstances are anything but equal.

To put a finer point on this, Scripture calls us to view marriage not through the lens of cultural failure, but through God’s design. God intended marriage to be a partnership in which two people are stronger together, offering mutual support, protection, and encouragement through life’s trials. That is exactly what I witnessed in my parents’ marriage, and it is what I continue to pursue in my own. This year marks thirty-eight years of “dating” my wife, and I can say with conviction that Solomon was right: “Two are better than one… for if they fall, one will lift up his companion… and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12). I watched my mother lift my father up more times than I can count, and as I grow older, I see that same steadfast love reflected in my wife today.

Friends, fear often grows when love is misunderstood. Biblically, love is not primarily a feeling but a choice and a practice. Paul tells us that love is patient and kind, not self-seeking or easily angered, and that love endures (1 Corinthians 13:4–8). When we anchor our understanding of marriage in fleeting emotions, fear will dominate. But when we learn to trust the Lord with our future—“Trust in the LORD with all your heart… and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5–6)—our fear begins to give way to faith. Marriage was never meant to be sustained by romance alone, but by intentional love rooted in obedience to God. Solomon said, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty ispassing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” Proverbs 31:30, (NKJV). The same is true for men, and it is a lesson we will all learn as we age; thus, to love as a verb is intentional, meaningful, inviolable, and meant to last a lifetime. 

That leads directly to the second part of the question: how do we know when it’s time to work on our marriage rather than be distracted by feelings for someone else? One of the clearest signs is when emotional distance, resentment, or dissatisfaction begins to replace intentional care. Scripture calls husbands to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church—nurturing, cherishing, and protecting that relationship (Ephesians 5:25–33). Jesus also reminds us that marriage is a sacred union—“the two shall become one flesh… what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:4–6). When feelings for someone else arise, that is not a sign that the marriage has failed; it is often a signal that the marriage needs attention, healing, and renewed intentionality. 

From a pastoral standpoint, I often see that “lost feelings” are rarely the true problem. More often, they grow out of unspoken anxieties, unresolved conflict, resentment, or emotional withdrawal. Selfishness—putting our own desires ahead of the covenant we made—is one of the most common causes of marital breakdown. This is why turning to God’s wisdom, rather than the world’s narratives, matters so deeply. Marriage belongs to God. Seeking counsel rooted in Scripture honors the vows we made before Him, while chasing emotional distractions often leads only to repeating the same patterns in another relationship. 

One practical way we counter this drift is by intentionally “dating our spouse.” This is not accidental or reactive; it is planned and thoughtful. Just as we prepare ourselves each day to face the world with care and intention, we must also prepare our hearts and actions to pursue our spouse’s good. Dating one’s spouse means choosing to cherish them, to seek their joy, and to protect the bond you share. When this is done sincerely, with the goal of pleasing one another rather than ourselves, it aligns with God’s design for marriage. The Song of Solomon gives us a beautiful picture of this kind of intentional affection, desire, and delight—a love language husbands and wives are meant to cultivate throughout their lives together. 

Finally, healthy marriages are built on connection and spiritual alignment. Couples who endure learn how to stay connected even during seasons of disappointment. They worship together, pray together, practice forgiveness, and continually rebuild trust. In this way, they store up what some call a “love bank”—a reserve of shared memories, kindness, and goodwill that sustains them when emotions run low. Over time, as we allow God to reshape our thinking and expose false beliefs about love and marriage, we learn that commitment, not distraction, is what leads to lasting joy. 

In the end, fear does not have the final word—faith does. When we choose to work on our marriages rather than escape from them, we honor God, protect our hearts, and give love the time and space it needs to grow into something far deeper than feeling alone could ever produce.