I hesitate to respond to this question because it touches a real tension most of us feel once we’re married: How do I keep growing as a person without drifting away from the very relationship I vowed to protect? In my experience, I have observed many couples, married or not, where either one or both sought to pursue individual interests and ended up leaving their spouse behind, but the answer isn’t to choose “me” or “us.” The answer is to grow in a way that strengthens “us,” because in a healthy marriage, Christian or otherwise, my growth and my spouse’s growth are not competing goals. They are meant to be joined.
Please allow me some latitude with this response because I did not grow up in a Christian home where the topic of discussion here was modeled. I have had to learn much of what I share the hard way. That is not to say that my parents did not model some redeeming qualities; they did. My mother specifically, but they also lived and grew up during the 50s, where leaving or divorcing was not as accepted as it is today. Again, I share based on what I have learned through much trial and error. I do not have it all figured out, but I can talk at length about what does not work because I have lived it. Thus, when I do share, I speak of what is best, based on my experiences and what I have learned from the Word of God.
Scripture gives me a picture of marriage that includes both unity and individuality. A husband and wife become “one flesh” (Gen 2:24; Matt 19:4–6), but that doesn’t erase our personhood. It means we are two people, joined by covenant, learning to live with a shared direction, purpose, and responsibility. Ecclesiastes says “two are better than one,” because they help each other up when they fall, they strengthen each other when life gets cold and hard, and when the cord is braided with the Lord, it’s not easily broken (Eccles 4:9–12). That tells me marriage is designed to be a growth environment, not a growth prison.
One of the biggest misunderstandings I have observed that the media continually portrays is when we think individual growth means “I go find myself,” and marital health means “I never change so my spouse feels safe.” Neither one is biblical nor realistic. The biblical pattern is closer to iron sharpening iron (Prov 27:17). Sharpening is not always comfortable, but it’s purposeful. It’s close contact. It’s honest friction. It’s two people who care enough to make each other better, not by controlling each other, but by staying engaged, telling the truth in love, and refusing to let each other rot in isolation (Eph 4:15–16). A picture here is one that we all relate to, growing, specifically through physical exercise. Muscle must break down to grow. As this pertains to marriage and individual growth toward unity, in my opinion, pre-marital counseling must occur, in addition to addressing disagreements about what one desires to accomplish in life.
So how do we grow individually while still nurturing a happy marriage, without destroying it before we start? I start by settling the order of love in my heart. Scripture teaches me to live with humility rather than selfish ambition, to esteem my spouse, and to look out not only for my own interests but also for theirs (Phil 2:3–4). That one passage is a marriage-saver, because it keeps growth from becoming self-centered. If my “growth” makes me less patient, less kind, less honest, more self-absorbed, and harder to live with, then it’s not growth, it’s drift. Picture the bodybuilder consumed with how they look. They may desire to compete and win contests, but at what cost?
A single individual can pursue something like that, but a married individual with a family and other responsibilities cannot live such a selfish life, not if they intend to stay married. Biblical love is the measuring stick. Love suffers long and is kind. Love doesn’t envy or parade itself. Love is not puffed up, not rude, not self-seeking. Love isn’t easily provoked and refuses to keep a mental record of wrongs. Love rejoices in truth and keeps enduring (1 Cor 13:4–7). That means my personal development should produce more love, not less. Thus, the individual achievement of becoming a world-class bodybuilder may be honorable to the individual, but to the spouse, it may not be as important as being there for their family.
At the same time, the Bible doesn’t call marriage a “one-sided self-improvement project” where I demand that my spouse become who I want them to be. It calls me to become the kind of man or woman who builds our relationship with gentleness, honesty, and grace. Ephesians reminds me that the way we speak and handle conflict matters, no lying, no corrupt speech, no bitterness stored up like poison, and no letting anger linger so long that it becomes a foothold for the enemy (Eph 4:25–32). Colossians says something similar: put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, longsuffering, and forgiveness, and then put on love over all of it, because love binds it together (Col 3:12–14). That’s not just “marriage advice.” That is growth. That is individual sanctification expressed relationally.
I also believe happiness in marriage grows when we stop demanding that our spouse carry the full weight of our inner emptiness. Much of marital conflict comes from trying to get from marriage what only God can give: identity, ultimate security, and ultimate purpose. When I expect my spouse to fulfill me, I turn them into an idol and crush them with expectations they cannot carry or fulfill. When I pursue my own growth before the Lord, I actually become safer to love. I become more stable, more honest, more responsible, and more able to give rather than just take. That’s part of what Paul means when he says love should be without hypocrisy, real, clean, honest (Rom 12:9–10). And it’s why Scripture keeps calling us to comfort and edify each other (1 Thess 5:11), and to bear one another’s burdens (Gal 6:2). Healthy marriages don’t run on one spouse “fixing” the other. They run on mutual strengthening.
Practically, I’ve learned that individual growth inside marriage is best when we keep connection habits strong while we pursue our callings. A virtuous wife in Proverbs 31 is active, productive, and skilled; she works, plans, provides, speaks wisdom, and her husband trusts her (Prov 31:10–31). That’s not a picture of a woman who stopped growing because she got married. It’s a picture of a woman who grew in strength and honor, and her growth blessed the home. The same principle applies to husbands: we’re commanded to love and not become bitter (Col 3:18–19), and to dwell with our wives “with understanding,” honoring them as heirs together of the grace of life, because how we treat each other affects the life of the home and even our prayers (1 Pet 3:7). When I honor my spouse, I make room for their growth. When I refuse bitterness, I protect unity while we mature.
This is also why I’m big on community and counsel. Hebrews tells us not to isolate, but to stir one another up to love and good works (Heb 10:24–25). Proverbs says plans go awry without counsel, but in the multitude of counselors they are established (Prov 15:22). I’ve watched couples drift apart because they tried to “figure it out alone,” and I’ve watched couples grow because they stayed teachable, through church community, older couples, counseling, and honest friendships.
Back to the example of the self-interest. While it is true that one can pursue a career in that physical fitness world and provide for one’s family, remember that every endeavor comes with a cost. Sacrifice is not always obedience to the will of God for His ideal of what a family is to be. Now, I want to say something that helps me keep my expectations realistic: marriage changes our focus. Paul says the married person has real concerns about pleasing their spouse, whereas the unmarried person can be more undistracted (1 Cor 7:32–35). Recall the bodybuilding analogy applied to sacrifice and obedience. That isn’t a punishment. It’s a reorientation. In marriage, my growth becomes interdependent. I grow by learning patience, sacrifice, communication, sexual faithfulness, financial stewardship, gentleness, truth-telling, and forgiveness. I grow by learning how to love one person well over time, through seasons. My spouse grows too, and our growth is meant to be woven together, not kept separate in competing worlds. Believe me when I say this, I know all too well the side of failure of selfish pursuits. Most of the time, the sacrifice of those selfish pursuits is obedience to God’s will for our lives.
So if I had to bring it all down to one coherent idea, it would be this: we grow individually by growing toward Christ and toward each other at the same time. We don’t demand that marriage give us meaning; we bring meaning into marriage by living out love, honor, truth, and service. We sharpen each other without tearing each other down (Prov 27:17). We help each other up when we fall (Eccles 4:9–12). We speak truth in love so we can actually grow up, not just grow apart (Eph 4:15–16). We carry burdens, we forgive, we stay tenderhearted, and we keep choosing love as an action, not just a feeling (Gal 6:2; Eph 4:25–32; Col 3:12–14; 1 Cor 13:4–7). That is how a marriage becomes happier over time, because both of us are becoming more like Christ, and our home becomes the place where that growth is practiced. Last, do not think that to sacrifice one’s personal interests is such a big sacrifice in your individual life that God will not or cannot redeem that act of obedience, blessing it beyond what you could have ever hoped for. Remember, God says: “To obey is better than sacrifice.”
