Instruments
in the Redeemer’s
Hands
How to Help Others Change
Paul David Tripp
Timothy S. Lane, Contributor
Chapter 11
The Goals of Speaking the Truth in Love
1. Review the story of Sally. With what mindset did she come to the meeting? Did Tripp’s approach cause change or make her realize he had a different motive? Pg 199
2. How is the word “Rebuke” used in the Bible? Pg 200.
3. Why should we confront one another? Matt 22:37 Pg 200-201.
4. Why do we avoid confrontation? Pg 201
5. What should not and what should be our motivation for confrontation? Pg 201.
a. Should not be: Our motivation should not be we are afraid to risk the relationship, avoid personal sacrifice, complications that confrontations may involve or the desire for the love, peace, respect, and appreciation we receive from the relationship.
b. Should be: Our motivation should be that we love God above all else, therefore, confrontation is an extension and expression of that love.
6. The second commandment motivates biblical rebuke. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. Matt 22:39. How is this opposite in our culture in the world today?
7. What should the model of confrontation be in our relationships? Pg 202-204.
8. In Leviticus 19:15-18 we see the contrast between love and hatred. Love is when we speak honest rebuke, and hatred is when we fail to speak. What are some forms of subtle and passive hatred? Pg 205-206.
What are some forms of active hatred? Pg 206-207.
9. Failure to make loving rebuke opens the door to what? Pg 208.
10. A humble lifestyle of rebuke protects us from whom? Pg 208.
a. Explain:
11. Confrontation does not force a person to deal with you but places him/her before the Lord. How do we accomplish this in our conversations with that person?
Personal:
Do I confront others as an ambassador of Christ, or do I tend to advance my own opinion?
Think of a time in your life (1) when you were rebuked and (2) when you had to rebuke someone else. How well did these encounters fulfill godly goals?
- Review The Story of Sally.
With What Mind Set Did She Come to The Meeting? Did Tripp’s Approach Cause Change or
Make Her Realize He Had a Different Motive? Pg 199.
P 199
11
The Goals of
Speaking the Truth in Love
From the moment she entered my office, it was clear that Sally was ready for a fight. She glared her way into the room and made tense small talk with me until I prayed. I was the principal of the Christian school her daughter attended, and I had asked Sally and her husband to come and talk about the difficulties her daughter was having at school. I was there as a friend and ally. I was actually quite fond of her daughter, and I was concerned that somehow we were missing an opportunity to help her.
I made my
first statement, trying to be affirming and warm as I described the
difficulties we were experiencing. To my surprise, Sally yelled back at me,
accusing me of not loving her daughter and wanting only to rid the school of
its “problems.” I tried again to quietly share my love and concern, only to
have Sally yell at me again, this time sitting forward in her seat and moving
closer to my desk. I made one more attempt to help her understand that I was
not accusing her daughter (or Sally herself) of anything; my purpose was to
share my concerns and look for solutions. As she began to shout a third time,
Sally’s husband grabbed her knee and said, “Dear, he is not fighting with you.”
Sally looked at me for a moment as if she were disoriented. She mumbled, “I’m sorry. I just hate these kinds of meetings. I was sure you were going to tell us what bad parents we are.” Perhaps Sally isn’t too unusual. Perhaps many of us approach moments of truth speaking with fear and dread. Perhaps for many of us, words like confrontation and rebuke conjure up images that look like anything but love. Sally had obviously been hurt in previous confrontations and, this time, had been prepared to defend herself.
2. How Is the Word “Rebuke” Used in The Bible? Pg 200.
P
200
Rebuke is the word the Bible uses for
bringing truth to where change is needed, yet most of
us don’t react positively when we hear it. For example, if I called you one
night and said that I would like to come over the next morning to rebuke you,
how would you respond?
Would you run to a friend and say, “The most wonderful thing is going to happen
to me tomorrow! Paul is coming over to rebuke me. I can’t wait! It has been so
long since I’ve been rebuked.” That would not likely be your reaction. Many of
us would rather go to the dentist and be drilled without Novocain. When we
think of rebuke, we think of harsh words, red faces, ultimatums, and threats.
We don’t think of an act of patience and committed love. So it is important to
consider what a biblical model of rebuke looks like. It is part of the Speak component of personal ministry, and we need to know what
“speaking the truth in love” is all about.
Leviticus 19:15–18 discusses
God’s intentions for this aspect of relationships and personal ministry.
Ø Do
not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the
great but judge your neighbor fairly.
Ø Do
not go about spreading slander among your people.
Ø Do
not do anything that endangers your neighbor’s life. I am the Lord.
Ø Do
not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor frankly so you will
not share in his guilt.
Ø Do
not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people but love your
neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.
The principles of this passage provide a starting
point for a biblical understanding of confrontation.
3. Why Should We Confront One Another? Matt 22:37 Pg 200-201.
4. Why Do We Avoid Confrontation? Pg 201.
5. What Should Not and What Should Be Our Motivation for Confrontation? Pg 201.
a.
Should Not Be: Our motivation should not be we are afraid to risk the relationship, avoid
personal sacrifice, complications that confrontations may involve, or the desire
for the love, peace, respect, and appreciation we receive from the
relationship.
b. Should Be: Our motivation should be that we love God above all else; therefore, confrontation is an extension and expression of that love.
P
201
Confrontation is rooted in a
submission to the First Great Command. This command
calls us to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul
and with all your mind” (Matt. 22:37).
Twice the Leviticus passage says, “I am the Lord.”
God intends confrontation
to be an expression of our submission to Him in our relationships with others. From
God’s perspective, the only reason we confront one another
is that we love the Lord and want to obey him. Our failure to confront one another biblically must be
seen for what it is: something rooted in our tendency to run after
god-replacements. We confront unbiblically (or not at all)
because we love something else more than God. Perhaps we love our
relationship with this person so much that we don’t want to risk it. Perhaps
we prefer to avoid
the personal sacrifice
and complications
that confrontation
may involve. Perhaps we love peace, respect, and appreciation more
than we should. Here is the principle: To the degree that we give the love of our hearts to someone or something
else, to that degree we lose our primary motive to confront. But if we love God above all else,
confrontation is an extension and expression of that love.
First John
teaches us (3:11–20; 4:7–21) that one
of the most reliable indicators of our love for God is the quality of our love
for our neighbor. The foundation of the Second Great Command is the First Great
Command—you cannot love your neighbor as yourself if you do not first love God
above all else. Our willingness to gossip, to live in anger, and trim the truth
reveals something deeper than a lack of love for people. It exposes a lack of
love for God. We no longer serve as his ambassadors in relationships but use
them for our own purposes. They become places where our needs can be met. Then,
because we are afraid to lose what we crave, we live in silence as our neighbor
steps outside God’s boundaries.
Love for God is the only reliable foundation for a ministry of truth-speaking. Any other motivation distorts the process. We cannot come in anger, frustration, or a spirit of vengeance. We come because we love God and speak on his behalf to someone who may be wandering away. Confrontation has little to do with us. It is all about the Lord, motivated by a desire to draw people back into close, obedient, and loving communion with Him.
6. The Second Commandment Motivates Biblical Rebuke. You Shall Love Your Neighbor as Yourself. Matt 22:39. How Is This Opposite in Our Culture in The World Today?
P
202
Confrontation
is rooted in the Second Great Command, which calls us to “love your neighbor as
yourself (Matt. 22:39). Isn’t
it interesting that the Old Testament call to love your neighbor as yourself is
tied to this call to frank rebuke? A rebuke free of unrighteous anger is a clear sign of
biblical love, but I am afraid we have replaced love in our relationships with
being “nice.” Being nice and acting out of love is not the same thing. Our culture puts a high premium
on being tolerant and polite. We seek to avoid uncomfortable moments, so we see but
do not speak. We go so far as to convince ourselves that we are not speaking
because we love the other person when in reality, we fail to speak
because we lack love.
Please don’t
misunderstand. True love is not offensively intrusive or rude. But the Bible
repudiates covering sin with a facade of silence. It teaches that those who
love will speak, even if it creates tense, upsetting moments. If we love people
and want God’s best for them, how can we stand by as they wander away? How can we let them
deceive themselves with excuses, blame, and rationalizations? How can we watch
them get more and more enslaved by the fleeting pleasures of sin? How can we let a
sufferer add to his suffering by the way he responds to his own experience? True love is
neither idle nor timid. It is other-centered and active.
The truth is that we fail to confront, not because we love others too much,
but because we love ourselves too much. We fear others
misunderstanding us or being angry with us. We are afraid of what others
will think. We don’t want to endure the hardships of
honesty because we love ourselves more than we love our neighbors. Yet we know
that the depth of love in a relationship can be judged by the degree of honesty
that exists. Biblical rebuke is motivated by the Second Great Command.
Confrontation
is our moral responsibility in every relationship.
The passage says, “Rebuke your neighbor frankly.” This call extends beyond the
borders of formal counseling, discipleship, and ministry relationships. It is a
call to respond to all who live near us. Rebuke is not something that exists
outside a good relationship, brought in only at crisis moments. The Bible presents confrontation
as one of the cords of a strong relationship, a normal part of the interaction
that makes the relationship what it is.
- What Should the Model of
Confrontation Be in Our Relationships? Pg 202-204.
P
203
Often when
people hear the words rebuke and confrontation, they think of a radical moment
of truth-telling, a long list of stern indictments against a person who is
significantly rebellious or who has tragically wandered away. Yet the model here is ongoing
honesty in
an ongoing relationship. Rather than one big moment of confrontation, the
model here is many mini-moments of confrontation. The biblical
model recognizes that as we live and work with others, our hearts will
be progressively exposed. It calls us to deal with whatever God reveals as he
reveals it. In each small moment of truth-speaking, the progress
of sin is retarded and spiritual growth is encouraged. The model in
Leviticus fits perfectly with the progressive
sanctification model of growth and ministry that the New
Testament presents. Here, too, problems are addressed while still in their infancy before they mature
into tragic consequences.
Notice also that
the passage says, “… so that you will not share in his guilt.” There could be
no clearer statement of our moral responsibility. Each of our relationships
must be pursued in absolute submission to the will and way of the Lord. We have
been called to serve as ambassadors of the One who is Lord of every
relationship. We must never function as mini-kings, setting our own rules and
pursuing our own way.
Rebuke does
not mean that our love is conditional. However, the self-sacrificing love of
this passage exists at the intersection of patient grace and intolerance for
sin. This means that I love you, and I will not walk away from you at the first
sign of weakness or sin. I will extend to you the same grace I have received.
At the same time, however, my love for you does not close its eyes to
wrongdoing. It does not stay silent while sin is allowed to grow. The love I am
called to extend is the love of the cross of Christ, which stands at the
intersection of God’s grace and his complete intolerance of sin. His
intolerance does not cause God to move away. He moves toward me in redemptive
love so that someday I will stand before him without sin. This is what we are
called to embody in our relationships. Anything less is to be a moral
accomplice in the sin.
P
204
How many
sermons have you heard on the immorality of self-absorbed silence? How often have you
viewed your unwillingness to confront as an act of rebellion in itself? Have you ever
considered how often you have chosen to be silent when God was calling you to
be part of his rescue effort? We are called to accept moral responsibility for the
things God reveals to us about others. To refuse to speak is to rebel against
the Lord we say we love and serve.
Having said
this, I should note that this passage does not give you permission to live as
if you were someone else’s conscience. It does not call you to a self-righteousness that displays a rude and judgmental spirit. This passage
repudiates all those things. It is a neighbor-to-neighbor passage. It does not
assume two classes of people, the “rebukers” and the “neighbors.” The rebukers
are the neighbors, and the neighbors are the rebukers. As a neighbor, I live in
desperate need of the loving restraint God gives me through my neighbors. And
as a neighbor, I am called to serve others the same way. As long as indwelling
sin remains, we all need help, and we all need to help others. Sinners minister
to sinners with the help of God.
Confrontation
is meant to be more of a lifestyle than an unusual event.
Confrontation is difficult when it is not a normal part of our experience.
Sometimes it is so rare that we lack the necessary understanding, expectations,
and skills. Instead, we fumble and fail, only making people dread the next
time, like Sally. But from the Bible’s perspective, a good relationship always
grows in its ability to recognize, confront, and deal with the truth. Each time
we speak the truth, we grow in our understanding of our calling and our skill
in carrying it out.
Often there is so little honest conversation between parents and teenagers that moments of rebuke are extremely uncomfortable. At one point in our family, there were important things we needed to discuss with our daughter. We decided to make weekly appointments to talk with her about them. The first time was very difficult, but each time got easier. Soon the ground we gained spilled over into our informal conversations. All our interactions began to be more comfortable and honest. This passage envisions a “constant conversation” model where the daily intervention of honest rebuke is a regular part of all relationships.
8. In Leviticus 19:15-18 We See the Contrast Between Love and Hatred. Love Is When We Speak Honest Rebuke, and Hatred Is When We Fail to Speak. What Are Some Forms of Subtle and Passive Hatred? Pg 205-206.
P
205
There is also
a payoff for more formal discipleship and counseling situations. The person who
has made honest, humble, loving rebuke a part of his daily relationships (as a
giver and a receiver) will be clear and comfortable when he confronts a person
in a more structured setting. The skills of family leadership and ministry also
make us effective in the church of Christ. Perhaps we confront poorly or not at
all because we do not have a ministry mentality or communication maturity at
home. If we have avoided confrontation or been more angry than constructive in
our rebukes, how can we expect to be ready when God gives us opportunities in
the church?
We fail to
confront in love because we have yielded to subtle and passive forms of hatred.
Embedded in the passage is a contrast between love and hatred. If you tried to
illustrate this passage, it would look like this: At the center is a high
plateau of love based on a commitment to honest rebuke. On either side is a
dark valley of hatred. One is the valley of passive hatred, and the other is the
valley of active hatred. Both are temptations, and both are wrong! Leviticus 19 is
clear that we must find a way to lovingly confront sin when we see it in
others. If we fail to do so, we cannot console ourselves by saying, “Perhaps I
am not loving this person as God wants me to, but at least I do not hate him!”
There is no neutral ground between love and hatred. Our response to the sins of
others is either motivated by Second Great Command love or by some form of
hatred.
One subtle form of hatred is favoritism, granting favor to some but refusing it
to others because of a standard we have set up in our own minds. It may be
based on economic status, physical appearance, race or ethnicity, doctrinal
differences, self-righteousness, revulsion over particular sins, or something
else. Some people live outside the circle of our favor (and, therefore, our
ministry) simply because of who they are. This can even happen in families.
I fear that there is much more hatred in our families and churches than we
think.
What Are Some Forms of Active Hatred? Pg 206-207.
P
206
A second form of passive hatred is
bearing a grudge. We keep a record of what someone has done against us. We go over it
again and again, each time growing more angry and giving ourselves more reason
to despise the offender. Our anger grows even when no further sin has been
committed; it becomes the interpretive grid through which we assess everything
the person does. No matter what he does, he cannot do anything right in our
eyes. Everything is distorted by the anger and bitterness through which we view
it, destroying any possibility of dealing with sin in a godly way.
This passage
does not offer an exhaustive discussion of passive hatred, but it does warn us
of the myth of “neutral ground” and indicate what passive hatred looks like. We
are constantly dealing with the sins of others, as they are with us. The issue
is whether our responses are motivated by biblical love or by self-righteous,
prejudiced, and grudge-bearing hatred.
We fail to
confront because we have yielded to more active forms of hatred. Here we not only act as the judge but
as the jailer and executioner as well. This passage says that there are three
ways our hatred actively reveals itself: injustice, gossip,
and revenge. All three have been present in all of our lives at some
point, and all three responses destroy, or at least distort, the biblical
ministry of rebuke. God ordained rebuke to restrain
sin until our redemption is complete. We either position ourselves to be part
of that work or we stand in the way.
Injustice perverts God’s system of
restraint. It doesn’t protect, correct, or restrain the sinner. It hurts and
mistreats him.
Gossip doesn’t lead a person to make a humble confession before God or others. When I gossip, I confess the sin of another
person to someone who is not involved. Gossip doesn’t restrain sin; it
encourages it. It doesn’t build someone’s character; it destroys his
reputation. Gossip doesn’t lead a person to humble insight; it produces anger
and defensiveness.
Revenge is the opposite of ministry. Ministry is motivated by a desire for
someone’s good; revenge is motivated by a desire to harm him. We
have forsaken our call to bring the person to the Lord so that he can see
himself as he really is and given ourselves instead to a quest to settle the
score.
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207
What is so
terribly serious about all this is that we have been called to incarnate the
glory of Christ’s love on earth—to love as he has loved us so that people would
know we are his disciples. The ultimate apologetic for the reality of the
gospel is the loving unity of the body of Christ, a unity so deep, resilient,
and pervasive that it can only be compared to the unity of the Trinity. (See John 13–17.) Our call is to find satisfaction
in our relationships, not because people please us, but because we delight in
displaying God’s love in a hopeless world.
What a difference it makes to see that being sinned against is not an
occasion for vengeance but for God to be revealed! Instead of assuming God’s
position as judge, we ask how we can incarnate his love to the people involved
in the hurtful situation. Too often, we forget that there is
nothing more wonderful than to be Christ’s ambassador. We participate in
the most important work of the universe.
We can do
this because sin’s mastery over us has been broken as we have been united with
Christ’s life, death, and resurrection (Rom.
6:1–14) and indwelt by a Holy Spirit who battles the flesh on our
behalf (Gal. 5:16–26; Rom. 8:1–11). Because of this, we can say “no”
to powerful emotions (passions) and compelling desires (Gal. 5:24) and turn in a new direction. We do
not have to give the parts of our body to favoritism, grudges, gossip,
injustice, and revenge. Rather, we can offer ourselves to the Lord for his use.
The cross of Christ not only provides redemption but the resources we need to
be part of his work.
Confrontation flows out of a recognition of our identity as the children of God. The passage repeats the phrase, “I am the Lord.” It reminds us that we have been chosen by Him, and our lives are no longer our own. Everything we are and have belongs to Him, and we will find our greatest joy in relationships when we recognize that they, too, belong to Him. We are the Lord’s. They are the Lord’s. The situation is the Lord’s. Loving confrontation is rooted in an awareness that we are God’s children, and our goal is to be active in his purposes for us. To do less is to forget who we are.
9. Failure To Make Loving Rebuke Opens the Door to What? Pg 208.
10. A Humble Lifestyle of Rebuke Protects Us from Whom? Pg 208.
a. Explain:
P
208
Proper
biblical confrontation is never motivated by impatience, frustration, hurt, or
anger but is one way God prevents these things from damaging our relationships. Failure to make loving rebuke
part of our relationships gives the Devil a huge opportunity. I
have met many couples who have lost all the tenderness, appreciation, patience,
respect, sensitivity, and romance in their relationship. These precious
commodities had been destroyed by a failure to confront sin biblically. Their
marriages had become a cycle of accusation, recrimination, and revenge.
Bitterness and anger had sucked the life out of their love until the spouses
could barely remember what once attracted them to each other. They never
intended it, but their refusal to confront sin in God’s way and their daily
habit of devouring each other had gutted their relationship. The sweet, hopeful
couple of the past had become two isolated, angry, and hopeless people who
wanted out of their marriage.
A humble, honest lifestyle of rebuke protects us from ourselves. As sinners living with sinners, we need something to retard the progress of sin in our relationships. Early in our marriage Luella and I decided that we would not let the sun go down on our anger (Eph. 4:26). We promised each other that we would not go to bed angry. At first, we would lie in bed, propping our eyes open, waiting for the other person to ask for forgiveness so that we wouldn’t have to. But as time went on, [Humility] reveals we saw how this principle 1 restrained our sin, 2 strengthened our relationship, 3 protected our love, and 4 matured us both. We have been married for over thirty years, and we are still sinners, yet we love each other more than ever, and we don’t carry yesterday’s baggage into today’s encounters. On each anniversary, we thank the Lord for rescuing us from ourselves.
11. Confrontation Does Not Force a Person to Deal with You But Places Him or Her Before The Lord. How Do We Accomplish This in Our Conversations with That Person?
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209
Confrontation
does not force a person to deal with you but places him before the Lord.
This paragraph describes our heart’s attitude toward the one with which we
will lovingly rebuke, but I believe the heart of the matter is in the rebuke;
it is the sharing of what Christ has done in our lives that matters the most.
Again, evidence of what Christ has done in us must be revealed in our character
toward everyone, not just for some. For others to believe there is a genuine
change in our lives, there should be a created desire, hunger, and thirst for
what we have. Otherwise, what is the point of a conversation with someone we
are rebuking in God’s love, grace, and mercy? There aren’t any if we are not
living examples of what Christ can do.
The most important encounter in confrontation is not the person’s encounter with you but with Christ. Rebuke does not force a person to face your judgment; it gives him an opportunity to do business with God. It is motivated by a desire for the person to receive the grace of conviction, confession, forgiveness, and repentance—to experience the grace we also have received. Confrontation does not enforce legalities; it ministers the restraining, forgiving, restoring grace of Christ to someone who has turned from him. It is not motivated by punishment but by the hope that the Lord would free this person from the prison of his own sin to know the freedom of walking in fellowship with Him.
Personal:
Do I Confront Others as An Ambassador of Christ, Or Do I Tend to
Advance My Own Opinion?
Think Of a Time in Your Life (1) When You Were
Rebuked and (2) When You Had
to Rebuke Someone Else. How Well Did These Encounters Fulfill Godly
Goals?
Instruments
in the Redeemer’s
Hands
How to Help Others Change
STUDY GUIDE
Paul David Tripp
Timothy S. Lane, Contributor
The Goals of Speaking the Truth in Love
Tripp, Paul David. 2002. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change. Resources for Changing Lives. P&R Publishing Company.
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