Dealing with
memories of a tough childhood while striving to be a loving and supportive
parent begins with understanding that our parents’ rearing experiences
significantly shaped how they raised us, which in turn influences how we parent
our own children. Recognizing that our parents, whether right or wrong, need
our forgiveness just as we hope for forgiveness from our children is a crucial
step. We do not intend to pass on our character defects to our children; instead,
we aim to impart the very best of ourselves. However, this is often challenging
if we have not first forgiven our parents and gained insight into how their
upbringing influenced ours, providing clarity on why we behave as we do. This
perspective aligns with Colossians 3:13, which says, “Bearing with one another,
and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as
Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
Intentional
self-reflection and healing are crucial for breaking negative cycles. Even if
we did not have an ideal childhood, we can learn to be good parents by making
sense of our past and integrating those experiences into new opportunities for
growth. Proverbs 22:6 instructs, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and
when he is old he will not depart from it.” Being aware of childhood mistakes
helps prevent overreacting or projecting unresolved issues onto our children.
Professional help, such as counseling and various therapeutic techniques, can
be vital in processing trauma. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let
him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be
given to him.” Sharing our experiences with those who have more experience with
overcoming similar challenges is an integral part of the healing journey.
Self-care is
critical, particularly when dealing with chronic issues like depression,
anxiety, or trauma. Again, seeking support and professional help is essential
not only for ourselves but also for our children’s sake, reflecting Philippians
4:6-7 stating, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and
supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and
the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and
minds through Christ Jesus.” Attachment styles from childhood have a profound
influence on our relationships, so understanding these patterns is crucial.
Journaling or
discussing experiences with trusted friends or a counselor helps clarify how
our past impacts our parenting and identifies triggers rooted in our childhood,
fostering the transformation described in Romans 12:2, “And do not be conformed
to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may
prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” While
navigating a complicated family history is challenging, we have the power to
create a supportive family environment through our dedicated effort, drawing
strength from 2 Corinthians 5:17, which says, “Therefore, if anyone is in
Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things
have become new.” This commitment enables us to break cycles and model God’s
love, as urged in Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV): “And you, fathers, do not provoke your
children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the
Lord.”
While learning
about our past is necessary for successful parenting, we must remember that every
new parent inherently makes mistakes along the way. As first-time parents, we
desire to instill the best experiences in our child’s life, yet we must
acknowledge our imperfections, just as our own parents were not perfect. We
need to allow for the proverbial learning curve, recognizing that parenting is
a process of growth. For instance, what may appear to experienced parents as
overprotectiveness in our early years often lessens by the third or fourth
child, as we discover our children’s remarkable resilience and ability to
manage life without constant shielding, as if in a bubble. Similarly, we must
remember that our parents’ actions, which sometimes felt smothering to us in
youth, mirror the impact we may have on our own children.
Parenting is
new to every first-time parent, but by the time we raise our child to the teen
years, we often realize there are aspects of the earlier years we would handle
differently—not because we did a poor job, but because hindsight reveals
opportunities for improvement. This humility aligns with Ecclesiastes 7:20,
stating, “For there is not a just man on earth who does good and does not sin,”
and encourages grace toward ourselves, as extended in Micah 7:18-19, “Who is a
God like You, pardoning iniquity and passing over the transgression of the
remnant of His heritage? He does not retain His anger forever, because He
delights in mercy. He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our
iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” To put it
another way, the wisdom that comes from experience is something we must look
forward to obtaining through experience.
We may
perceive our parenting mistakes as echoes of those our parents made with us,
but we can also recognize them as part of a generational cycle awaiting
interruption—and we are positioned to break it. These memories of our past,
often inherited from our great-grandparents, present us with the opportunity to
enact change and halt the transmission of negativity. We can become the family
that learns from history, advancing into the future with the assurance that our
children will benefit from our transformed patterns, as affirmed in Exodus
20:5-6, “For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of
the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who
hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My
commandments.”
Not only can we disrupt negative cycles, but we can also establish new traditions that positively shape our children’s immediate lives and leave a lasting legacy for our grandchildren, fostering a heritage that our great-great-grandparents would be proud of. The choice rests with us. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” 2 Corinthians 5:17, NKJV.
