Question: How do people cope with the fear of marriage when they see relationships around them failing? What are the signs that it's time to work on my marriage rather than being distracted by feelings for someone else, which often leads to another failing marriage?

When I speak with people who fear marriage—especially after watching relationships around them fail—I begin by acknowledging that their fear is understandable. What we see modeled shapes what we expect. If brokenness, instability, or repeated divorce has been the dominant picture, it is natural to question whether marriage is worth the risk. I grew up watching my parents go through profound hardship, yet they stayed together. That example is foundational to why I believe in marriage as I do. Ruth Bell Graham once remarked, half in jest, “Divorce, never; murder, maybe,” underscoring her conviction that marriage, like faith, is a lifelong covenant. That same conviction marked my parents’ marriage, and it is the conviction that shapes my own—one that I fully expect will end only when one of us goes home to be with the Lord. 

Friends, no marriage is perfect. My parents’ marriage certainly was not. Yet they loved one another, and God was the center, core, and foundation of their life together. That is why their marriage endured until my father’s death. It is also important to remember that marriage is not always a fifty-fifty arrangement. There were many seasons when my mother gave far more than her share to sustain both the marriage and our family. That reality does not diminish the biblical mandate placed on husbands; rather, it highlights it. Scripture calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her—a sacrificial love that holds a marriage together when circumstances are anything but equal.

To put a finer point on this, Scripture calls us to view marriage not through the lens of cultural failure, but through God’s design. God intended marriage to be a partnership in which two people are stronger together, offering mutual support, protection, and encouragement through life’s trials. That is exactly what I witnessed in my parents’ marriage, and it is what I continue to pursue in my own. This year marks thirty-eight years of “dating” my wife, and I can say with conviction that Solomon was right: “Two are better than one… for if they fall, one will lift up his companion… and a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12). I watched my mother lift my father up more times than I can count, and as I grow older, I see that same steadfast love reflected in my wife today.

Friends, fear often grows when love is misunderstood. Biblically, love is not primarily a feeling but a choice and a practice. Paul tells us that love is patient and kind, not self-seeking or easily angered, and that love endures (1 Corinthians 13:4–8). When we anchor our understanding of marriage in fleeting emotions, fear will dominate. But when we learn to trust the Lord with our future—“Trust in the LORD with all your heart… and He will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5–6)—our fear begins to give way to faith. Marriage was never meant to be sustained by romance alone, but by intentional love rooted in obedience to God. Solomon said, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty ispassing, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” Proverbs 31:30, (NKJV). The same is true for men, and it is a lesson we will all learn as we age; thus, to love as a verb is intentional, meaningful, inviolable, and meant to last a lifetime. 

That leads directly to the second part of the question: how do we know when it’s time to work on our marriage rather than be distracted by feelings for someone else? One of the clearest signs is when emotional distance, resentment, or dissatisfaction begins to replace intentional care. Scripture calls husbands to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church—nurturing, cherishing, and protecting that relationship (Ephesians 5:25–33). Jesus also reminds us that marriage is a sacred union—“the two shall become one flesh… what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:4–6). When feelings for someone else arise, that is not a sign that the marriage has failed; it is often a signal that the marriage needs attention, healing, and renewed intentionality. 

From a pastoral standpoint, I often see that “lost feelings” are rarely the true problem. More often, they grow out of unspoken anxieties, unresolved conflict, resentment, or emotional withdrawal. Selfishness—putting our own desires ahead of the covenant we made—is one of the most common causes of marital breakdown. This is why turning to God’s wisdom, rather than the world’s narratives, matters so deeply. Marriage belongs to God. Seeking counsel rooted in Scripture honors the vows we made before Him, while chasing emotional distractions often leads only to repeating the same patterns in another relationship. 

One practical way we counter this drift is by intentionally “dating our spouse.” This is not accidental or reactive; it is planned and thoughtful. Just as we prepare ourselves each day to face the world with care and intention, we must also prepare our hearts and actions to pursue our spouse’s good. Dating one’s spouse means choosing to cherish them, to seek their joy, and to protect the bond you share. When this is done sincerely, with the goal of pleasing one another rather than ourselves, it aligns with God’s design for marriage. The Song of Solomon gives us a beautiful picture of this kind of intentional affection, desire, and delight—a love language husbands and wives are meant to cultivate throughout their lives together. 

Finally, healthy marriages are built on connection and spiritual alignment. Couples who endure learn how to stay connected even during seasons of disappointment. They worship together, pray together, practice forgiveness, and continually rebuild trust. In this way, they store up what some call a “love bank”—a reserve of shared memories, kindness, and goodwill that sustains them when emotions run low. Over time, as we allow God to reshape our thinking and expose false beliefs about love and marriage, we learn that commitment, not distraction, is what leads to lasting joy. 

In the end, fear does not have the final word—faith does. When we choose to work on our marriages rather than escape from them, we honor God, protect our hearts, and give love the time and space it needs to grow into something far deeper than feeling alone could ever produce. 

Why Is It Better to Repair Marriages Than End Them?

When I talk with couples about why it is better to repair marriages than to end them, I begin by grounding the conversation in God’s design for marriage and in the reality of our shared human brokenness. Scripture is clear that marriage is sacred, not casual or disposable. God says plainly that He hates divorce because it does violence to the covenant He established (Malachi 2:16). Jesus reminds us that from the beginning God made husband and wife to become “one flesh,” adding, “What God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matthew 19:4–6). From a biblical perspective, marriage is not merely a legal contract but a spiritual union, and ending it fractures something God intended to be whole. 

Because marriage is such a deep joining, Scripture consistently emphasizes reconciliation over separation. Paul instructs married believers not to divorce and, even when separation occurs, to pursue reconciliation rather than moving on as though the covenant no longer matters (1 Corinthians 7:10–11). Marriage is not simply two lives running side by side; it is a joining into one. I often explain it as two pieces of wood glued together. When they are properly bonded, they become one strong piece. But when they are forced apart, they do not separate cleanly—they splinter. Each piece is permanently changed. Even if someone later tries to attach themselves to another partner, the edges never fit the same way again. This is why divorce carries such deep and lasting pain. It is not merely the end of a relationship, but the tearing apart of something that was meant to be one. God’s call to reconciliation reflects His understanding of this reality and His desire to protect us from wounds that change us in ways we never expected. 

From a pastoral perspective, we also have to be honest about the culture we live in. We live in a world that prizes convenience, personal fulfillment, and escape from discomfort. Even when marriages do not legally end, many become emotionally divorced—cold, distant, and filled with resentment. Repairing a marriage rather than abandoning it calls us to maturity, patience, and sacrificial love. Christian marriages, in particular, carry a higher purpose. They are meant to reflect God’s ministry of reconciliation. When a couple chooses to work through conflict with humility and grace, their marriage becomes a visible testimony to God’s power to restore what is broken (2 Corinthians 5:18). 

I often think of marriage in terms of building a home. What determines whether a marriage stands is not whether storms come, but whether the foundation is solid. Jesus tells us that when the rains fall, the floods rise, and the winds beat against the house, only the one built on the rock will remain standing (Matthew 7:24–27). In marriage, those storms come in many forms—stress, disappointment, temptation, fatigue, and loss. One common temptation is believing the cultural lie that more is better: more work, more money, more possessions, more security. Yet that pursuit often costs us the very relationships we are trying to protect. In reality, less is usually better, because it forces us to focus on what truly sustains a marriage: time, presence, faithfulness, and shared life. When Christ is the foundation upon which we build, our marriage is not spared from trials, but it is strengthened to endure them. 

Marriages also do not thrive by accident. They are built slowly, intentionally, and relationally. In my own marriage, my wife and I spent seven years getting to know one another before we married. That time was not about perfection or certainty; it was about trust. We learned how to open our lives to one another, sharing our histories and the realities of the homes we came from. I came from an adoptive home, and my wife came from a home marked by two divorces. Those conversations were not easy, but they laid the foundation for what we have today—nearly thirty-eight years of marriage. Trust grows through vulnerability, honesty, and the willingness to be known. That is how two lives become united. To discard that bond lightly is a grave mistake, especially given the pressures and uncertainties life inevitably brings. 

A life partner is far more than someone to share a bed, a house, a bank account, or a collection of memories. A true partner is someone with whom we share life itself—someone who walks with us through joy and hardship, success and failure, health and weakness. Marriage is about mutual growth, forgiveness, and learning how to repair what is broken rather than abandoning it. Scripture calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13) and to bear with one another in love. These acts of repair are not signs of weakness; they are signs of covenant faithfulness. 

Finally, repairing marriages matters not only for couples but also for families and communities. Easy divorce often leaves deep wounds, especially for children, who thrive best in environments marked by commitment and stability. While there are situations involving unrepentant abuse or danger where separation is necessary, God’s heart is always toward healing rather than abandonment. Scripture consistently shows us that God never intended marriage to be something we walk away from lightly. When we choose repair over retreat, we reflect God’s faithful love—a love that does not give up on us, even when we are at our worst. 

How do you deal with memories of a tough childhood while trying to be a loving and supportive parent yourself?

Dealing with memories of a tough childhood while striving to be a loving and supportive parent begins with understanding that our parents’ rearing experiences significantly shaped how they raised us, which in turn influences how we parent our own children. Recognizing that our parents, whether right or wrong, need our forgiveness just as we hope for forgiveness from our children is a crucial step. We do not intend to pass on our character defects to our children; instead, we aim to impart the very best of ourselves. However, this is often challenging if we have not first forgiven our parents and gained insight into how their upbringing influenced ours, providing clarity on why we behave as we do. This perspective aligns with Colossians 3:13, which says, “Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”

Intentional self-reflection and healing are crucial for breaking negative cycles. Even if we did not have an ideal childhood, we can learn to be good parents by making sense of our past and integrating those experiences into new opportunities for growth. Proverbs 22:6 instructs, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Being aware of childhood mistakes helps prevent overreacting or projecting unresolved issues onto our children. Professional help, such as counseling and various therapeutic techniques, can be vital in processing trauma. James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” Sharing our experiences with those who have more experience with overcoming similar challenges is an integral part of the healing journey.

Self-care is critical, particularly when dealing with chronic issues like depression, anxiety, or trauma. Again, seeking support and professional help is essential not only for ourselves but also for our children’s sake, reflecting Philippians 4:6-7 stating, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Attachment styles from childhood have a profound influence on our relationships, so understanding these patterns is crucial.

Journaling or discussing experiences with trusted friends or a counselor helps clarify how our past impacts our parenting and identifies triggers rooted in our childhood, fostering the transformation described in Romans 12:2, “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” While navigating a complicated family history is challenging, we have the power to create a supportive family environment through our dedicated effort, drawing strength from 2 Corinthians 5:17, which says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” This commitment enables us to break cycles and model God’s love, as urged in Ephesians 6:4 (NKJV): “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

While learning about our past is necessary for successful parenting, we must remember that every new parent inherently makes mistakes along the way. As first-time parents, we desire to instill the best experiences in our child’s life, yet we must acknowledge our imperfections, just as our own parents were not perfect. We need to allow for the proverbial learning curve, recognizing that parenting is a process of growth. For instance, what may appear to experienced parents as overprotectiveness in our early years often lessens by the third or fourth child, as we discover our children’s remarkable resilience and ability to manage life without constant shielding, as if in a bubble. Similarly, we must remember that our parents’ actions, which sometimes felt smothering to us in youth, mirror the impact we may have on our own children.

Parenting is new to every first-time parent, but by the time we raise our child to the teen years, we often realize there are aspects of the earlier years we would handle differently—not because we did a poor job, but because hindsight reveals opportunities for improvement. This humility aligns with Ecclesiastes 7:20, stating, “For there is not a just man on earth who does good and does not sin,” and encourages grace toward ourselves, as extended in Micah 7:18-19, “Who is a God like You, pardoning iniquity and passing over the transgression of the remnant of His heritage? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in mercy. He will again have compassion on us, and will subdue our iniquities. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” To put it another way, the wisdom that comes from experience is something we must look forward to obtaining through experience.

We may perceive our parenting mistakes as echoes of those our parents made with us, but we can also recognize them as part of a generational cycle awaiting interruption—and we are positioned to break it. These memories of our past, often inherited from our great-grandparents, present us with the opportunity to enact change and halt the transmission of negativity. We can become the family that learns from history, advancing into the future with the assurance that our children will benefit from our transformed patterns, as affirmed in Exodus 20:5-6, “For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.”

Not only can we disrupt negative cycles, but we can also establish new traditions that positively shape our children’s immediate lives and leave a lasting legacy for our grandchildren, fostering a heritage that our great-great-grandparents would be proud of. The choice rests with us. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new” 2 Corinthians 5:17, NKJV. 

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-do-you-deal-memories-tough-childhood-while-trying-forefathers-esgxe